Self-Disparaging Thoughts

These thoughts are dark. When I’m not in that space and looking at it from a distance, there can be a lot of shame. The shame is so big that it tries to stop me from talking about the darkness, which prevents me from processing the pain. Soon enough I’ll end up back in the same dark space because I haven’t learned anything since the last time I was there.

It’s a windy day. I just walked from AA to the beach. I feel very guilty for leaving our dog home alone. Today, I’m so tired. I’m also really depressed. Last night I couldn’t sleep, I was so anxiety ridden that I got up twice to pick my face for over an hour each time I was having nightmares and barely slept at all until the sun came up.

After the meeting multiple people came up to me after and told me they loved what I shared. Someone asked me how I’m so grounded, another person asked how I manage suicidal thoughts. I thought my share was awkward, goes to show what a great judge of myself I am. This is why I am open about all my shit. It sometimes helps someone else and it helps me. Now, I don’t know. I wish I had been born with the happy gene. I so easily slip into melancholy.

I know this is a stupid question to ask, but I’ll say it anyway, why am I not better? Why do I feel so exhausted and depressed? My overriding emotional state right now is depression. Being in my own head is a dangerous place to stay. Making connections here is hard. I don’t know what to do.

Each time I cringe at something someone close to me says or does, I also feel pain. I feel empathy. It gives me this deep sorrow that I feel in my gut. I can hardly describe it fully despite having felt it since I was a child. Maybe it’s a loneliness for a kind of comfort I didn’t get. Then I hate on myself for being so selfish and thinking so much about myself.

Apparently, this is part of codependency. I know people have good and bad sides, and I know their pain is real and I know what it’s like to feel hurt, and I don’t want other people to feel like they aren’t good enough when they are trying their best. They are just living, like anyone else. I grew up being taught to accept behaviors from others that I should not accept. I give more weight to the good than the bad. It makes me empathetic, but it sets me up to be mistreated.

I blame myself when things go wrong around me especially in relationships. What is more of my struggle is that I don’t know my place in this world. It’s not that I think everything is about me, it’s that I think nothing is. That I lack a strong sense of self. Who I am. I don’t know who I am. My core ego is shaky. I lack the feeling that I am worthy and just like everyone else. The normally comforting saying that other people aren’t thinking about me is helpful for low self-confidence but bad for my sense of self, because if no one sees me then where do I belong and what’s the point?

I’m feeling really bad again. I feel like I don’t deserve success and that seeking it is harmful to others. That I should take the hits because others are in more difficult situations than me or experienced worse trauma.

At times, I am so incapacitated by whatever the fuck is happening inside. I can’t finish anything I start, like not even 15 minutes worth of work or of anything without being distracted to such an extent that I fucking FORGET what I was just doing.

I might do the same with this journal entry.

It’s cloudy in the distance, dark heavy rain clouds. It may soon begin to fall here. But first, I must put my feet in the sea and pray for patience for myself and others.