Am I Scared or Is It Grief? – Uncovering the Sad Feeling

I used to feel this sad and heavy pain in my gut all the time. At times I could name it, pinpoint where the sad feeling started. Most of the time it just felt bad, at best a sign that something was off. Maybe a warning to tell me a memory was trying to be processed, that a trauma was triggered, that my feelings were hurt.

Over the last few days I’ve been having a sad feeling arise in my stomach. It’s been lurking through the day and night. I can’t shake the emotional heaviness. Where did this one come from?

When asked, “What’s wrong?” I replied, “I don’t know. I just feel down.”

I tried to distract myself with makeup, sitcoms, and naps. I tried to make plans with friends but I couldn’t keep them. I reached out and claimed the sadness, but I couldn’t figure it out.

Had this been two months ago I wouldn’t be surprised by inability to keep up, because I’ve been chronically ill for so long. Not keeping up was the norm. Following through was the exception and falling through was the rule. As I move through a health treatment that seems to have some of the diagnoses correct, finally, I’m feeling better. I still have bad days, but this “down” feeling wasn’t that. It isn’t that.

I thought maybe I was overwhelmed. So much is about to happen in my life, and there are so many tasks I’m trying to complete before life gets chaotic. I thought maybe I was afraid of having surgery. Surgery is less than a month away, and as I attempted to use logic to dismiss my feelings, it made sense I would be scared.

Today I was asking for suggestions on how to fix a leaky door. As I got off the phone after getting some great tips from my mom’s boyfriend, it hit me. The sadness is grief.

I miss my dad. Asking for advice about fixing a door is what I’ll never be able to ask him. He had surgery and he died afterwards. It’s not that I’m scared I won’t survive, it’s that he didn’t.

I still feel it. It’s big. It’s coloring my view of everything I do today. I tried to do a photo shoot for my web design freelancing but the grief is so apparent to me in all the photos.

I don’t know when it will lift. I guess that’s not the point, it’s here. One of the challenges of healing is feeling. I hide from my emotions less and there is less to hide from. Grief though, today it feels as real as ever. Maybe I’ll watch a movie and cry. Cry for the loss, cry for the time that was stolen from us. It might be 10 years on but I miss him as much as I ever have. And it’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to grieve for decades, forever. I don’t grieve all the time, but right now I feel it deeply.

I miss you, Dad.