Depression is growing bigger, having eaten Alice’s fantasies. It’s the demon in Spirited Away. A monster glutinous for pain.
I think I should be different by now. That I should be better by now. And I don’t want to reveal the extent of my struggle because I feel ashamed. I’m embarrassed.
These thoughts are dark. The shame is so big that it tries to stop me from talking about the thoughts, which prevents me from processing the pain.
One thing about trauma in PTSD is that it starts to show itself when you’re safe(r) than before. Our brains are working on overdrive trying to protect us and to handle all the threats and to keep us alive after the earth shattering trauma(s) we lived through. We feel scared because we know how bad…
What I’m here to say is that “feeling depressed” is a different beast than “having depression.” Depression is a diagnosable medical condition and a disorder in the DSM-V. It affects many more aspects of life than just emotional. Some symptoms can severely impact the quality of life for people with it.
My depression is really bad lately. I find everything meaningless. I don’t even feel happy in a quiet bit of nature. I hate having depression.
Depression isn’t weakness, but I don’t feel strong. Depression is clawing her way back into my consciousness. Usually she dwells in a spot hidden away, and when I put her back she stays there for a while. This time, it’s like the lock is broken and she is not staying put.
Today depression came up again. Buoyed by shorter daylight filled hours, the negative number in my bank account, an unrelenting sick feeling of headache, stomach pain, and mainly my brain and body reverting to default state.
I still don’t like speaking of it, of this fear, I don’t want people to become intrusive about me. I don’t want the worry of people who don’t understand because they’ve never felt this way.
I think I’m emotionally eating. I really need to not do that. I have to be really careful with addictions. I could very easily become an alcoholic I think. I need to be so careful to never do that.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.
911
The Americas
112
Europe
112 & 999
Africa
112, 999, 110
Asia
112, 911, 999, 111, & 000
Oceania
Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.
Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741
Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255
Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453
The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386
These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.
DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833
I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers
Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages