Depression Isn’t Weakness, But I Don’t Feel Strong

Depression is not a weakness, but right now I don’t feel strong.

Depression is clawing her way back into my consciousness. Usually she dwells in a spot hidden away, and when I put her back she stays there for a while. This time, it’s like the lock is broken and she is not staying put. I can’t sleep, but I’m exhausted. I feel the weight of the pain with every step. I walk in slow motion, each movement a struggle against the paralyzing depression.

I was feeling okay, well, remarkably better than yesterday and better than I felt in weeks. Now, only at 3:30 in the afternoon, it is fading. I don’t want the feelings of contentment to go away.

I detest myself again. I don’t want to hate myself so much, but I do. I am so tired and the fight is hard. It is too hard. It makes me want to give up. Why does this self-hate come back and why can’t I stop it?

Sometimes I will just act happy or hopeful to get other people to stop trying to make me feel better. Can’t force depression away. It’s like my brain refuses to listen to reason.

Someone says, “You need to get out of your own head.”

I hear, “You are self-centered and talk about yourself too much.”

I feel the emotions of the thing I hear and not what they say.

And all the bad of the world is proof of the futile struggle. Lives are short and painful and death just brings more pain. I sometimes wonder if it would be better to never exist in the first place. Loss hurts but you can’t lose what you never had.

I feel guilty that I have a loving partner. I think I trapped him. This is all in my head, he really loves me a lot and I deserve it, but my brain is telling me I don’t. My brain is telling me I’m pathetic and miserable. That I’m annoying and a leech, that I forced him to love me.

I don’t want to feel like this. But the negative thoughts are overpowering me. Every positive is subdued by incessant negative thoughts.

I am learning more about the biology and psychology and spirituality of depression and treatment. I intellectually know the reality but eventually it gets too hard to think logically. I know depression isn’t weakness, eventually I will feel better, and there is much more to life than the heavy sorrow I feel right now.

I won’t give up, even if I feel like I want to.