Alcoholic and Spiraling Towards Bottom

As therapy was ending yesterday, I started crying a lot. It’s just, I’m trying so hard but I can’t change the way my brain thinks. I can act different, but I don’t feel different. Sometimes I do, but most of the time I just feel like this.

Exhausted. Angry at myself. I’ve been drinking every single day for like a week. I know why I’m doing it. Without something to confuse my sense, I don’t have to deal with this internal struggle. Everyone asks “why” “why” “why” and I don’t know why. I just feel it, I just feel really tired. I just feel torn and broken. I just am down. There is no one reason or if there is I don’t know what it is. I can’t stop lying to everyone about everything. I can’t explain it.

I want no one to care about me. I want to feel. I want to rebel. Or maybe I want to exist in a vacuum of solitude. Perceptions altered by drugs or something.

I don’t know what I’m doing. Why I make the choices I do. Why I think the things I do. I make these crazy choices contrary to how I consciously think. It’s like I know I shouldn’t drink and I know I should be honest. I know I should be working my ass off but I can’t seem to make any headway. I feel like a leech.

I just feel like I’m standing in the way of my own happiness. I really don’t even understand who I am. I certainly don’t accept myself. I wonder all the time if other people, if most people, find it this difficult to reconcile who they really are with what they think they should be and what they think others think of them. It is so confusing.

As is the expanse of my vision. The possibilities, endless possibilities…that I can’t seem to grab.

Why do I make choices that create a challenging life for myself? Why can’t I just try to enjoy the simple things without critiquing their value. Why can’t I relax? Who the fuck am I? What do I want? Where am I going? Where will I end up?

It’s horrid, after one drink I feel more positive. How fucked up is that?

No one knows what to say. This rut is easy, but it is painful.

Why am I so fragile?

Cracking

b r o k e n

spaces that can’t be filled

pieces don’t fit together

flood it with chemicals

hide my fear

hide it

dream it

Nightmares

SCREAM